Sunday, April 21, 2013

I resolved to stop being so fearful

I was in RPM class yesterday, feeling sorry for myself and not happy about the pity party.  Suddenly, I realized I have been living in fear. 

Fear of not having and never getting a job.  Fear of re-injuring my knee.  Fear of getting a migraine.  Fear of hurting my shoulder again.  Fear of not measuring up to "their" expectations.  

Fear.  Of living. 

I can’t live my life afraid.  That's only half a life.  Or less.  And I resolved to stop being so fearful.  I know it won't be easy.  I am a worrier by nature.   
Shortly after that revelation, the RPM instructor played California Dreaming.  I knew she played it just for me and it motivated me.  I ended up putting a lot of effort into the class.  And my knee was fine.  

Afterward, in Body Combat class, I found myself holding back when my shoulder started to ache.  Then I reminded myself to stop living in fear and I enjoyed myself more and worked harder.

And the shoulder didn't hurt any worse.  Minimal or maximum effort made no difference to my shoulder, but made a huge difference to my work out and my mental well-being. 

I have noticed that most often the things I fear don't ever occur.  And when they do occur, events are just different enough that my worrying did not prepare me.  So worry and fear have been a waste of time. 

I have this grand opportunity to spend time relaxing, enjoying the lovely spring weather, playing with my dogs.  And I've let a big chunk of that time be wasted running disaster scenarios in my head.  

I believe that things will work out.  I will get a new job.  I will not blow out a knee.  And if I truly believe that, there is nothing to fear.  Nothing to worry about.  

And if I'm wrong?  Well, I'll deal with it when it happens instead of for weeks and weeks beforehand. 

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