I am enjoying the less fearful life.

I recently wrote about not being so fearful. I resolved to stop being so fearful

So far it's going really well.  I have found that I am much more relaxed.  Yesterday, I enjoyed a long, leisurely lunch with a friend who is also not working.  I am sleeping better.

And contrary to being afraid of not finding a job soon, I am actually looking forward to having a lot of time off.  It would deplete my savings, but there is so much that I could do.

Teach the dogs new tricks (or better manners)
Read a lot of books.  I have reacquainted myself with the library, rather than always buying books.
Write more.  I've started two books, but haven't gotten past chapter two on either of them.
Finish my household to-do list.  I have painting, cleaning, fixing to do.
Do more yoga, boxing, walking, etc.
Catch up on movies.

So many things to do.  And now the time to do it.

Updated:  I even got a rejection.  It was a supremely flattering rejection as rejections go.  And instead of getting down and sad, I was thrilled by the compliment.

I'm liking this new feeling.

I resolved to stop being so fearful

I was in RPM class yesterday, feeling sorry for myself and not happy about the pity party.  Suddenly, I realized I have been living in fear. 

Fear of not having and never getting a job.  Fear of re-injuring my knee.  Fear of getting a migraine.  Fear of hurting my shoulder again.  Fear of not measuring up to "their" expectations.  

Fear.  Of living. 

I can’t live my life afraid.  That's only half a life.  Or less.  And I resolved to stop being so fearful.  I know it won't be easy.  I am a worrier by nature.   

  

Shortly after that revelation, the RPM instructor played California Dreaming.  I knew she played it just for me and it motivated me.  I ended up putting a lot of effort into the class.  And my knee was fine.  

Afterward, in Body Combat class, I found myself holding back when my shoulder started to ache.  Then I reminded myself to stop living in fear and I enjoyed myself more and worked harder.

And the shoulder didn't hurt any worse.  Minimal or maximum effort made no difference to my shoulder, but made a huge difference to my work out and my mental well-being. 

I have noticed that most often the things I fear don't ever occur.  And when they do occur, events are just different enough that my worrying did not prepare me.  So worry and fear have been a waste of time. 

I have this grand opportunity to spend time relaxing, enjoying the lovely spring weather, playing with my dogs.  And I've let a big chunk of that time be wasted running disaster scenarios in my head.  

I believe that things will work out.  I will get a new job.  I will not blow out a knee.  And if I truly believe that, there is nothing to fear.  Nothing to worry about.  

And if I'm wrong?  Well, I'll deal with it when it happens instead of for weeks and weeks beforehand. 

Layoff - Not as calm as I thought

So yesterday was a bit unexpected.  I thought my company was down to the bone on employees.  And I was arrogant enough to think that my skill set was necessary to the company.

Well, maybe it is.  But the people who made the decisions didn't think so.

There were several layoffs in the morning.  When nothing more seemed to be happening, a coworker and I went to lunch.

I knew I was in trouble when the facilities person was waiting for us when we got off the elevator.  For me, because my friend had already been told she was safe.

I think they expected histrionics, but I was calm all through the meeting.  I was calm telling my sister and mother.  I was calm.  Until night fall.

There is something about night time that brings out our worst fears.  Fears of never finding another job that pays enough to keep my house.  Fear of being unable to take care of my dogs.  Sleep eluded me for a long time.  Despite that I woke up at the regular time this morning.

I took each of the dogs out for longer than usual walks.  That helped burn off some of my nervous energy.  But now that is done and we've all eaten breakfast.

And I don't quite know what to do with myself today. Or for the next couple weeks.

I have some decent severance.  My dilemma is, do I take a little time to decompress?  Or do I start looking for a new job right away?

Can I even enjoy being off, knowing that I am unemployed?

Sigh.