I am enjoying the less fearful life.

I recently wrote about not being so fearful. I resolved to stop being so fearful

So far it's going really well.  I have found that I am much more relaxed.  Yesterday, I enjoyed a long, leisurely lunch with a friend who is also not working.  I am sleeping better.

And contrary to being afraid of not finding a job soon, I am actually looking forward to having a lot of time off.  It would deplete my savings, but there is so much that I could do.

Teach the dogs new tricks (or better manners)
Read a lot of books.  I have reacquainted myself with the library, rather than always buying books.
Write more.  I've started two books, but haven't gotten past chapter two on either of them.
Finish my household to-do list.  I have painting, cleaning, fixing to do.
Do more yoga, boxing, walking, etc.
Catch up on movies.

So many things to do.  And now the time to do it.

Updated:  I even got a rejection.  It was a supremely flattering rejection as rejections go.  And instead of getting down and sad, I was thrilled by the compliment.

I'm liking this new feeling.

I resolved to stop being so fearful

I was in RPM class yesterday, feeling sorry for myself and not happy about the pity party.  Suddenly, I realized I have been living in fear. 

Fear of not having and never getting a job.  Fear of re-injuring my knee.  Fear of getting a migraine.  Fear of hurting my shoulder again.  Fear of not measuring up to "their" expectations.  

Fear.  Of living. 

I can’t live my life afraid.  That's only half a life.  Or less.  And I resolved to stop being so fearful.  I know it won't be easy.  I am a worrier by nature.   

  

Shortly after that revelation, the RPM instructor played California Dreaming.  I knew she played it just for me and it motivated me.  I ended up putting a lot of effort into the class.  And my knee was fine.  

Afterward, in Body Combat class, I found myself holding back when my shoulder started to ache.  Then I reminded myself to stop living in fear and I enjoyed myself more and worked harder.

And the shoulder didn't hurt any worse.  Minimal or maximum effort made no difference to my shoulder, but made a huge difference to my work out and my mental well-being. 

I have noticed that most often the things I fear don't ever occur.  And when they do occur, events are just different enough that my worrying did not prepare me.  So worry and fear have been a waste of time. 

I have this grand opportunity to spend time relaxing, enjoying the lovely spring weather, playing with my dogs.  And I've let a big chunk of that time be wasted running disaster scenarios in my head.  

I believe that things will work out.  I will get a new job.  I will not blow out a knee.  And if I truly believe that, there is nothing to fear.  Nothing to worry about.  

And if I'm wrong?  Well, I'll deal with it when it happens instead of for weeks and weeks beforehand. 

Worrying about logistics

Logistics - The detailed coordination of a complex operation involving many people, facilities, or supplies.

So technically, planning an extra session at the gym isn't a complex operation, but making the change can be daunting to me.  I wanted to work out on the machines after fitness class, but fretted about the details. 

Should I bring my water bottle to the gym?  I need it for Body Combat, but what will I do with it afterwards?  Should I take it to the fitness room with me?  That would mean moving it from machine to machine.  Should I put it in a locker?  If I put it in a locker, should I put my purse in a locker before Combat?  Can I find my lock?  Where will I keep the key?  Will it fall out of my pocket during Combat?

Should I take my water bottle and purse out to the car before working on the machines?  I could lock my purse in the trunk before I leave home.  I can't lock it in the trunk at the gym because someone might see and try to steal it.  Can someone break into my trunk?  They could break the window and pop the trunk.

If I take my water bottle out to the car after Combat, I will have to sign back in at the front desk.  Will the attendants think I am an idiot for signing in twice? What is my reluctance to use a locker?

What I finally decided was to lock my purse in the car before I left home, then move my water bottle and towel from machine to machine.  This worked perfectly fine, although  I almost forgot my bottle one session.

I wish I could stop myself from sweating the small stuff.