Friday, August 9, 2013

My upcoming birthday has me bothered

Turning 40 didn't bother me. Turning 50 didn't bother me. 

For some reason, my upcoming 59th birthday bothers me. 

I am disappointed in myself.  I always claimed the philosophy that getting older is better than the alternative.  It seems I don't believe it myself.   

Movies like RED and Invasion Roswell don’t help.  Loved RED.  Invasion Roswell was a cheesy SyFy movie. 

What they both shared was aging characters. There were frequent reference to the “old” guys, “gramps”, “behind the times”, etc.  These people are my age!

Sixty seems to be society's cutoff for “old”.  And despite the fact that I am in better shape now than I was at 48, or even 38, it appears that I am buying into this ageist attitude.   

I find myself using my age as a rationale to myself.  “I’m pretty good at Combat for a 58-year-old”, "I'm pretty flexible", etc. This has never been the case in the past.  I think even in my own mind, 60 is the tipping point to old age.  Bah. Humbug.

I think about retirement a lot more now, maybe because I enjoyed my laid off time. Or maybe because it seems "time" to think about it.  I worry that I won't be allowed to work until I can afford to retire.  

Will some employer look at me and decide I'm too old to bother with?  I worry, even though this hasn't been the case in any of the companies where I have worked. 

Things I used to just accept, I now attribute to age.  Neck aches. Aching knees.  Occasional insomnia. These conditions have been with me for as long as I can remember.  I had knee problems as far back as my teens.  Now I see them as inevitable signs I am falling apart.  

The only real symptom I can attribute to age is the change in my eyesight.  I have at least 6 pairs of reading glasses scattered around the house.  However, until I got Lasik 14 years ago, my eyesight had always been bad.  Just near-sighted instead of far-sighted. 

I am trying to focus on the good things about getting older - I don't care as much whether everyone likes me.  I am (usually) happier than I have ever been.  My accumulated experience comes in handy with home repair, pets, and people. 

Logically, I know my being bothered is ridiculous.  I just can’t seem to stop the feelings. 

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